by Shae Krispinsky

Shae Krispinsky

More than 10 years of front office/customer service experience and hasn’t hated all of it.

• Believes she can learn any necessary hard skills quickly: She prides herself on an autodidactic streak.
• Soft skills and personality set her apart: She is cordial, quiet, professional, creative, with a dry sense of humor and without the need to constantly crack jokes, though will offer a polite, fake laugh when you attempt humor.
• Is like a houseplant: She adds a pop of color (though that color is mostly black), doesn’t require a lot of attention or supervision, and makes it easier to breathe.
• Doesn’t need a brass band or parade when she does well, but appreciates being appreciated.
• As your employee/co-worker, doesn’t care about your children or grandchildren (no, she won’t hold them, she may drop them) or your weekends and doesn’t expect you to care about hers, but she will inquire when she remembers.
• Is at work to work, does her work well, and would like to get through the day as easily and with as little small talk as possible.
• Cleans up after herself, is considerate, doesn’t stink up the office with seafood, fast food, garlic, or other strong smells.
• Requires music and keeps it mostly SFW and at a respectable volume.
• Will not flirt with married men (or women, or those who are gender-fluid, or unmarried either, for that matter; actually, doesn’t know how to flirt, and probably won’t make eye contact at any time) and won’t sue you when you make a sexist remark, though she will think less of you, but won’t make that apparent.
• Is able to juggle, both literally and figuratively, and can withstand getting shit thrown at her for a long (like, embarrassingly long) time before snapping, and when she snaps, she will only grow quieter and more distant, will not be bitchy (to your face) or give you passive-aggressive silent treatment, but may hide in the bathroom for a few extra minutes and imagine your family members getting brutally tortured while you are forced to watch, which, again, you will never know because she is good at pushing those emotions down real deep, particularly in a professional setting, and, in reality, is a pacifist who doesn’t believe that violence is the answer, and will chastise herself for indulging those thoughts because that’s not who she is and certainly isn’t who she wants to be, and wouldn’t even punch a Nazi even though admitting this will make people on the internet think less of her (it must be stressed that while she wouldn’t punch a Nazi, she is vehemently anti-Nazi and is progressive in her political beliefs, which she will never bring up at work (though, yes, she did wear all black the week after the current president was elected, but, to be fair, she wears all black the majority of the time anyway, as per above), nor her religious/spiritual beliefs (though you may catch her meditating during her lunch breaks, which, yes, she takes, as late in the workday as possible if afforded that flexibility), because she knows this is inappropriate).
• Is extremely patient but is not your mother, baby-sitter, or maid. Won’t make or fetch you coffee, but might bring in cookies, pie, or banana bread from time to time, and it will be your lucky day when she does because she is quite the baker (and makes great sangria too but won’t bring it in because, again, inappropriate) (actually, she has a rather long list of behaviors she believes to be inappropriate and will spare you here, but the list could be made available upon request) but don’t worry about losing her to a bakery or a food truck or something.
• Is, if you couldn’t tell, a writer at heart: A thinly-veiled version of you may end up in a story or an essay, so keep that in mind and act accordingly (i.e., if you don’t want to look bad, don’t do bad things, which isn’t a threat so much as a friendly reminder). If she should happen to receive an offer for a lucrative book deal, you will lose her, but not before she gives at least a month’s notice because she is generous (and considerate, but that has already been mentioned, if you recall).
• Types 75+ WPM, 7,500+ KPH, and is obsessively detail-oriented.

Shae Krispinsky grew up in Western PA, went to school in Roanoke, VA, and currently lives in Tampa, FL, where she fronts the band, Navin Ave., and the cat-rap ‘purrformance-art’ project, Purr Purr Purr. As founder and facilitator of Adventures for the Adventureless, she leads weird and wild excursions around the Sunshine State. Her writing has appeared in Thought Catalog, Connotation Press, Gravel: A Literary Journal, and more. (She got the job.)