by Bria Winfree

When I first got to the foster house, bathing was hard. I could usually bathe my younger brothers without problems, but I didn’t take baths for a while.

Bath tub (42 gallons) of warm water, in Many, Louisiana (2008), $.48, Lice shampoo + comb kit, $8.28

The transition period to our final home took the longest. I had nightmares for a while that my oldest sister would make me take a bath, but there was a stingray in the bottom. In the dream, I’d stand on the ledges of the bath and wail, until she hit me with a broom handle enough to make me fall into the shallow water. The dream always ended when the sting ray, expressing it’s displeasure, flapped it’s wings, and I, always taking the easy way out, tried to slam my head on the faucet. The shared beds never worked well for me in those first few years.

Twin bed frame, $158.99, Pokemon Sheets, $48.97, Pink Canopy, Hand-Me-Down (est. $20)

I like my baths hotter than Hell, steam rolling down the lips of the tub. My sisters joke it’s like I’m not even adopted, because they do too.

Bath tub (62 gallon capacity, never that full) in Deville, Louisiana (2016), $1.07

I grew up on tub ledges. Five of my older sisters have been pregnant several times, and when they got big enough, I’d help them out of the tub, or bring them more rock salt to eat out of their palm.

Mineral deficiency at-home test, $89, Morton’s Rock Salt, $14.98

I’ve been sick only twice. I used to think it was because I ate a lot of rocks as a kid, I’m not sure now.

If I feel something coming on, I lay in a hot bath with goat’s milk and Epsom Salt. A pair of dairy goats, roughly $2,250, Bag of Epsom Salt $5.87

When I am rubbing a ceramic stone upwards over my cheekbones and temples, I am soothing. These bodyclothes touch everything: my skin has known dirt, hands, food, rain, shampoo and millions else.

Gua Sha, made in pottery class, $120, Patchouli Bar Soap, $10

When I experience even the mildest stress, I imagine snorting coke off a key. I could never do cocaine, I wouldn’t even like cocaine. Sometimes, when my brain feels kinder, I imagine a large,

green bathtub cut from crystal, full of milky water. In the thought, I step in and sink to the bottom of the ocean, never to resurface.

OCD Diagnosis (Without treatment), $648

Sometimes, to shock intrusive thoughts out of my system, I dip my face in ice water.

Metal Mixing Bowls, $17.99, Scrunchie from Claire’s, $6.99

Temperature is everything: summer shower beers passed between hands while rinsing salt off your bodies, or winter mulled wine refilled by someone perched on the counter, watching you bathe or otherwise reading to you.

Hamm’s, $6/sixer, Mulled Wine Spices, $5, Two Buck Chuck, $2.89, Oranges, $.70

Bathing has always felt like we are really bringing the outside inside, like the source of all life can be pumped into my house.

Weed, $10/gram, Monroe, Louisiana (2016)

No one asks what you want for your birthday after you’re 20, but if they did, I’d want a nice towel, or a hair towel.

Cosmic Bath Towel, $72, Crown Affair Hair Towel, $45

Originally from Louisiana, Bria Winfree now lives and writes in Lubbock, Texas. She has just completed her Master’s in Poetry at Texas Tech University, where she is currently a visiting assistant professor. Beyond writing poetry, essays, and memoir, Bria also spends her time with pottery and community organizing. If you would like to talk to her about zines or growing up on the Internet, please find her on Twitter @16ozredbull and Instagram @24ozredbull.