by Kirsten Reneau

1. There are moths who will spend a lifetime dodging caterpillar death only to crack open from their chrysalis without a mouth, meaning they are born just to starve to death.
2. Caterpillars like to move in droves to live on my front porch. I tell my friend that I hate them, I want them gone, they give me the creeps. They have black and white points on their bodies and red eyes, looking like monsters in miniature.
3. My friend tells me they’re a native species in Louisiana and will turn into equally ugly (but still important to the ecosystem) moths. Don’t kill them, she urges me.
4. There is something inside me that is monstrous, something that wants to kill caterpillars. I am ashamed of it and try to push it down, shove it away, but still, the instinct lives inside me.
5. The bar where my partner and I had our fourth date, where we agreed neither of us particularly wanted children and we both loved country music, has taken my favorite drink off the specials list.
6. There is an infinite number of possible knots in this world. The rope can continue flourishing over each other for as long as there is still rope to flourish with. I no longer remember how to throw an eight knot, but I can still do it with one hand.
7. What I’m saying is: things change.
8. Moths only live for a week but can lay up to 200 eggs in that time span. The labor of egg laying can last several days.
9. My new healthcare is the best I have had in several years, maybe ever.
10. At my first OBGYN appointment in too long, I tell the nurse I want to switch to the pill because we have been thinking about getting pregnant one day. We want a few, eventually, I say. When the doctor comes in, what I thought was working birth control living in my arm has expired. For probably about a year, she tells me.
11. In my house, you can hear the thunder up to an hour before there is rain. It makes me feel tired, and I sleep on my side, my stomach cradled in my hands.
12. A website tells me that assuming there are no fertility problems, there is a 10% chance of not getting pregnant after a year of being sexually active without protection.
13. Somewhere in the pit of the worst thoughts I have, I believe that when bad things happen to me, it is my own fault. Because I wanted to hurt another living thing, however briefly, a larger all-knowing universe has stopped me from having something living to care for.
14. Caterpillars linger on the windowsill outside my bedroom, moving slowly to avoid the water drops.
15. Now, when I drink too much wine, I get a headache that same night.
16. My favorite shoes are a pair of red platforms, but I know they’re getting old because I have started to stumble when wearing them. The strap is pulling up. I nearly trip going up the stairs to my house.
17. If there is a caterpillar on my doorknob, and if I am drunk and feeling sorry for myself, it may be that the only thing that will make me feel better is if I urge it to crawl on my hand. Once it has stretched out over my fingers, I place it with its friends. I want to apologize to it for unnamable things.
18. Despite all the work of giving birth, it is likely only eight caterpillars will live through the many transformations life will take them through into their final stages. That’s a .04% chance of survival.
19. My partner says he will love me whether we can have children or not.
20. A 10% chance is rare, but not unheard of, certainly not compared to .04%.
21. I learn the tulips will be blooming soon at a child’s first birthday party. I play with the birthday boy. I am told that I will be a good mom, one day.
22. That night, I dream of snow in the summer. When I open my mouth, green things with orange flowers burst out. I am not afraid. I am happy; I have created something beautiful. When I wake up, I am crying.
23. The caterpillars are cocooned into my porch covering in silver wombs; the transformation happens so quickly.
24. They wait. They hope.